This phrase annoys me two ways and they’re both the polar opposites of each other! It’s a phrase that gets batted around quite a lot as a way to ‘excuse’ women’s behaviour, in particular. But whichever way it’s used, it’s irritating. So it’s now one of the phrases I’d quite like to see eradicated.
Hormones control everything. I don’t think most people realise that all of your systems rely on hormones to make them work. Hormones tell the different bits of body to do things, they’re like messengers. Otherwise your body is just a bunch of post boxes without any mail getting delivered anywhere else. They zip around all day every day, even when you’re asleep. In fact, a lot happens when you’re asleep and you don’t even know it. It’s actually pretty miraculous that we wake up every day because so much has to work in the background while we were counting sheep.
There are some hormones you need to survive. Some you’d die if you didn’t have them- cortisol is one, insulin is another. Not your life would be more miserable or you’d have horrible symptoms. You’d actually die without them pretty fast. Which makes hormones pretty damn important since they’re all linked together. And if one goes a bit haywire, chances are this has a knock on effect on the others. But it’s a bit like spreading gossip or Chinese whispers- the messages get changed slightly as it goes through the system, or things change so that by the time the second message has got through, it’s too late to be effective. Hormones are tricky things.
Which is why I get really mad when someone says ‘it’s just your hormones’. It’s said in two ways:
1. To try to dismiss what you’re feeling.
In the same way saying ‘calm down’ never makes the receiver feel calmer, telling someone ‘it’s just their hormones’ when they’re distressed, or words to that effect is like lighting a match. Particularly if you shout it at them. In fact, if I am having a meltdown, shouting at me is about the worst thing you can do, because it makes the hormone imbalance worse. Someone who has a hormone imbalance isn’t necessarily physically able to produce the hormones that help other people rationalise, keep calm or let go of something. And when you’re feeling really unbalanced hormone-wise, you’re not just having mood swings, or being irritable or tearful, you’re also likely feeling paranoid, guilty, anxious and possibly suicidal. About what? Probably about something minute. But can you get your body to realise that? Not easily- it’s not a mental problem, it’s a chemical problem. So hearing things like ‘get a grip’, ‘just let it go’, ‘calm down’, or it’s ‘just your hormones’ makes you feel even more paranoid, tearful and stressed which adds to the problem. Even if it is something stupid to everyone else, a person with an imbalance can’t get a grip, and telling them so just makes it worse because you know you’re being ‘silly’ and you can’t do a thing about it.
I tend to have meltdowns at home and not in front of other people unless I get caught out. But because it’s not just people like me who will have this problem, pregnant women also have similar imbalances (although they get a bit more of a free pass), here’s what helps me when I’m in a cycle, so maybe it might help some other people.
I will be going round in circles- sorry about that. I’m usually so disorientated by whatever it is that’s stressing me out I won’t remember the start of the cycle so will keep going over it. And it will sound like blithering but it’s important that someone hears my concerns and takes them seriously. It might be stupid. But to me, it’s really not at that point and if you want me to stop having a meltdown, trying to snap me out of it actually takes longer! So listen to me. Write my main worries down or summarise them to me at the end so I can see I’ve been heard and you can repeat to me that we’ve been over it.
Do something that shows me I’m not pissing you off. I will be over sensitive to everything and read things into things which aren’t actually there or are just coincidence. But it’s harder for me to think that if you’ve given me a hug or made me a cup of tea or come and sat next to me.
The worst thing about having had a meltdown is not knowing what to do with myself afterwards. Hormones are working overdrive and it sets the whole thing off again if there’s nothing to bring me back down to normal. So I need a plan. It’s doesn’t have to involve you, but I need the next hour planned out so that I can follow it and feel in control. But I won’t be able to come up with something myself because I won’t be able to see the wood for the trees. So it might be ‘go get your crochet, what animal are you working on?’ Or ‘watch an episode of X and then have a bath. Do you need a magazine?’.
That being said, this brings me to the second way people use the phrase:
2. To excuse negative behaviour
Like I said, I try to reserve my meltdowns to home and not eat random people alive just because my hormones have gone a bit crazy. Although a poor British Gas man got my wrath one day! I try to walk away from as many situations as I can or just stop talking if I think I might be rude. Sometimes I get it wrong, but I’ll always apologise afterwards, which is more than can be said for some people who don’t have hormone problems!
So I find it annoying when some people use it as an excuse regularly. Whichever way you look at it, no one deserves to be treated like crap all the time, hormone problem or no hormone problem. Something like PMT or being stressed at work is not a reason, in my mind, to be rude to everyone you know for a week every month. PMT is like a fluffy rainbow unicorn and my illness a fire breathing dragon in comparison- if I can try hard to minimise my outbursts as much as possible (or at least apologise), then other people should try too!
Note how I said try. Everyone’s human and has a bad day. I’m not talking about people who have a bit of an off moment or who are going through a hard time, I’m talking about people who use ‘it’s my hormones’ constantly as an excuse for being rude.
So you can see, it’s a bit of a tricky phrase because using it as an excuse is annoying but said flippantly is also annoying. Maybe it’s the ‘just’ that it always comes with. I don’t know. But I do know that I will probably walk away quite sharpish if it’s said to me so I don’t end up punching the person who says it to me!