It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog and I’ve had a few people/followers message and ask if I’m ok (thank you 🙂 )
A lot of the reason for being so quiet is one of the most painful things for me since dislocating my shoulder has been anything involving using my fingers, like typing on my phone or the computer (and I hate voice transcribing). Or even holding my phone hurts. And crochet did for a long time! Something to do with compressing nerves (or something), but with the whole covid thing, I couldn’t get it checked and it’s been slow healing. But I’m getting there now! Still a while before long blog posts though. And between pain, normal brain fog day to day stuff and trying to taper my steroids, I wasn’t really with it for a few months.
Which brings me to corona virus. It’s been extremely stressful for me. It’s been stressful for everyone but I also literally just had an adrenal crisis the week before we started getting daily briefings from our PM (ie it all got bad fast here) and I was still trying to heal my shoulder.
The additional stress came from our government and media essentially reassuring the general public by saying ‘it’s ok, everyone who dies tends to have an underlying health condition anyway’ and ‘if you’re healthy you can have a ventilator because we won’t be giving them to people who’ll probably die anyway, like the ones with health conditions’. The Prime Minister basically quoted Lord Farquaard from Shrek when he said ‘some of you will die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take’ (ok so what he actually said was ‘many more families will lose loved ones before their time’, but I didn’t find any of his speech reassuring)
Rationally, I know how the media hypes things up. But I’ve also had *so* many terrible experiences in hospital where people have almost killed me on a day when the NHS was normal, let alone in a pandemic. My worst fear in general is being unconscious or on a ventilator because I can’t advocate for myself if I’m unconscious… I’ve said before, there’s been discussions about me potentially having PTSD, and this definitely started to surface. Along with the fact that no one knows how to treat my adrenal insufficiency on a normal day, let alone with a new, deadly virus which no one has any experience in. Endocrinologists couldn’t agree on what to do, or even how much at risk we are, and there was so much conflicting advice but ultimately ending in ‘just don’t catch it’. It was a nightmare.
And, obviously, having AI, means stress affects me in a very bad way anyway. So I was pretty much trying to get through every minute of the day one minute at a time. Now there’s been some guidance and we’ve been told what to do, but it’s completely different from how I’d usually manage it, and it’s only just appeared in the last couple of weeks. Which is good to know but terrifying at the same time. Realistically, if I got it, I’d be in hospital. I need hospital for stupid things like opening the oven door and the heat getting me. Or a normal UTI. So I’m doing absolutely everything I can to avoid this virus.
So I’m still here. I’m still extremely anxious but it’s a lot better since we’ve been on lockdown. Problem is, the schools are supposed to go back on the 1st June and my mum’s a headteacher. The current guidelines the government proposed mean it’s not safe for staff to be in school (and pupils) but they’re expected to get on with it. Plus lockdown just seemed to get lifted overnight and people are already forgetting things like social distancing. Lots of things which are making me more anxious again…
On the plus, I’m currently isolating at my parents house in a rural place. Which means I can go to a field or the fells nearby and not see anyone. With movement restrictions being lifted slightly, it meant I could get in the car yesterday and go to a common in the hills about 5 minutes away. It was the first time I’d been ‘out’ anywhere in 11 weeks and it made a huge difference mentally!
Everyone’s lives are on hold. But on top of the normal anxiety everyone has right now, I feel immense pressure to not get sick, even ‘normal’ sick, but especially not coronavirus sick.
This post has taken me about a week to write, with my slow typing so enough now. I hope everyone is keeping as well as they can be!