A year ago today I wrote this:
There’s a lot of waiting going on at the moment. I feel like I’m watching a tv series and waiting to find out the ending but the writer hasn’t finished it yet. And people keep asking me about the ending and suggest possible ways I can help make the ending happen quicker or speculating, but the writer is on a mid season break. Every test or appointment brings some kind of expectation that everything will become clear followed by the same feeling that you get at the end of an episode when it ends without finishing the storyline. And then you’re waiting for the next one. Sometimes I think ‘well that was a boring and pointless episode’, but know that it’ll have some significance to the bigger storyline or that you have to watch it to get to the next part. Sometimes I think the opposite.
I’m kind of used to the waiting. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to flick to another channel and see what I’m missing out on elsewhere instead every now again.
You can tell I’m watching a lot of tv at the moment 😉 and at least it’s definitely nowhere near as traumatic as Meredith grey has it on grey’s anatomy 😊
I had an endo appointment yesterday, so this appearing today sums up what I was thinking/feeling yesterday. Although now I’m more likely to compare my situation to waiting for a bus.
A lot of the testing has stopped because there’s not actually any tests to do for the time being. It’s a wait and see game. Like waiting for a bus.
If you’ve ever had to wait for a bus you know it’s one of the most frustrating things ever. The screen says it’s a few minutes away but you’re pretty sure it can’t be that precise because there are so many variables which could slow progress; traffic, an old person taking time to get on or off, roadworks, the bus driver could take the wrong route, there might even be an accident. And the longer you think about it, the more disastrous the thoughts become of potential things that could happen to the bus – there might even be an earthquake. King Kong might make an appearance. So you stand there getting more and more annoyed thinking ‘I’ve got so much stuff I need to do‘ and start listing all the things you should be doing instead. Which obviously adds to the frustration.
Then you catch yourself mid rant and think ‘this is a really pointless waste of negative energy, let it go and just accept you can’t do anything about it.‘ Maybe you’ll do a bit of deep breathing or put your iPod on. But it still doesn’t change the fact that you’re standing still waiting for a bus and you don’t know how long it’ll be. It’s still there poking your brain like an irritating child.
Even more annoying, when you left work, your friend went to the shop up the road and caught a slightly different bus and has just driven past you. But that bus doesn’t stop at your stop. So you start to berate yourself about ‘if only you’d made a slightly different choice earlier on, this might not have happened‘, even though you know fine well that it was literally just bad luck that her bus came first, you had no way of knowing it, and it’s the same likelihood as flipping a coin. But it’s maddening because she’s continuing her day and her journey and you’re not.
So then you think ‘this is ridiculous, there must be something I can do with my time right now‘. But you’re a bit limited because your phone only has 20% battery and you left your book at home. You reply to a few emails, make a phone call and then write down all the things you want to or need to do when the bloody bus eventually comes and you get home.
It’s that stupid screen’s fault is the next thought. ‘If it just told me that the bus wasn’t coming, I’d make alternative arrangements.’ If it came up as saying ‘bus terminated’ or ‘delayed by 5 minutes’ you’d know where you stand, even if it did suck. Instead you’re left with not knowing if you should start walking and hope you haven’t made yet another bad choice (even though you have no possible way of knowing that beforehand) that could have a negative impact or stick it out and wait for some updated information or the bus to come.
That’s pretty much what my life has become the past few years. Waiting to get the most updated information, berating myself for things I can’t control and watching other people make progress where I can’t. I’ve stopped flicking channels like I did in my analogy last year, because I likely won’t have the life other people around me are having (fact). But rather than having a time frame for ‘getting better’, mine is like the bus screen- I could have years and years or equally I could lose a bunch of minutes somewhere for unknown reasons only the man in the control room knows. And, unlike buses, I don’t think I’m going to end up with 3 positives coming at once.
So what do I do while I’m waiting for the bus? I’m limited by what I can do- I have lots of great life plans, but even the adapted versions aren’t feasible right now. This is the most difficult thing for me currently. I’ve been told ‘staying alive’ is the only thing I can really work on right now. But this bus has taken years, and it’s hard to focus on just one thing for that long without feeling like you’re wasting precious time.
For now, I don’t think I need to have lots of suggestions to fill my time at the bus stop because I clearly can’t do most of them. I think I just need some people to stand at the bus stop with me and keep me company.
Image: Clip-art image